NUFC – Stick or twist, shit or bust

We are not holding any Aces

We are not holding any Aces

Things need to change NOW. Top of the bill is Mike Ashley leaving town on the horse he came in on.

Short term, this obviously isn’t going to happen. So what is next on the list?

The only thing that can realistically be changed short term is the manager – Pardew.

There is of course dramatically increasing the playing staff with quality, but hey this is NUFC and I am talking about being realistic!

Should the axe fall on Pardew’s head – will any new appointment be celebrated?

Should that position be filled by JFK, then the answer is categorically NO.

But let us assume that our consummate professional Director of F*ckall – stays just that. Uncle Albert Kinnear, can be left to continue concentrating all his efforts rolling around in players’ lounge and airport bars.

This is obviously preferable to the man being let loose at the helm – again.

God I dread the day a press conference being called to announce a new manager only for JFK, the man with the dead badger on his head, to come wandering into an SJP Press conference to be unveiled as Caretaker manager. No doubt he would be modeling his new designer white sports jacket whose sleeves fasten at the rear, collected from the St. Nicholas boutique!

Let us also assume that our fears are realised, the worst actually does come to the worst and we do not sign anybody else this window.

Add to that, make the assumption that we lose Cabaye, and that player morale needs boosting due to form and lack of new faces.

If truth be told, Pardew should have been taken out by firing squad at the termination of the season gone. To survive the Sunderland and Liverpool games is somewhat miraculous.

There are obvious reasons he didn’t. He’s cheap, he does as the Head-master asks, never answers back, on a stupidly massive long contract, and did I mention cheap?

Questions remain though, if/when the axe falls – can we attract a manager who will impose himself on our lacklustre squad, and instill a style of player that can suit the players we have available? As opposed to the old square pegs in round holes, use the players where they should play and thus hopefully achieving maximum performance.

We are firing blanks and shipping goals. Last ten in the PL, Scored 4, conceded 20. If that isn’t cause for concern, I don’t know what is?

He continues to flog a dead horse tactically, failing miserably to pick a style, shape capable of creating chances and keeping defensive discipline.

Is there anybody out there who would come in to Newcastle as it stands, with all the huge restraints and turmoil bubbling away behind the scenes?

I know the way we look at it, our club is massive, should be a prized position. Not currently.

Who would be approached? No top manager with experience would touch it with a barge pole. It would probably be another out of the Pardew mould, out of work, hungry to make a point, never get a better job – more importantly would tow the party line. Is there anyone out there that could fit the bill and improve? I would suggest it is worth the risk.

Pardew regardless of success was never really wanted at SJP. Through a mixture of bloody mindedness and more importantly results – he became accepted. But now on the back of a long stretch of terrible form, it may be a case that sometimes things just turn for the worse and are irreversible.

If he has lost the squad, dressing room or whatever, he has to go. The team, certainly are not putting the shift in for him, that must hurt him professionally and I would imagine personally. Like any professional working role, relationship or marriage – these can just sometimes come to a natural conclusion.

Although it maybe a time to serve divorce proceedings – I think we all know that he will not quit though, for all the previous reasons mentioned – he is at the pinnacle of his managerial career at NUFC. Regardless of flak, he is in a prestige position. He also has the safety net of the ridiculous 8 year contract agreed between himself and our myopic owner.

Now we have this ridiculous impasse of cat and mouse between the two parties. Ashley wants to chop him, but fears another court date and his wallet creaking open once more. Pardew is hanging tight like a free climber on an overhang with one strained and chalked finger-tip wedged in a crevice.

Most would say we look like we have decent players on paper, but in practice they are not showing any of it. It got bandied around all of last season, and pre-season this – we are supposedly too good to go down.

Do you agree with that synopsis? I don’t.

We know the problems, Christ almighty – we know the problems. But whilst Ashley owns the club, those problems will always remain.

The question is will those problems be compounded should a new face come in? Or would it just be same sh!t, different day?

With those boxes ticked, then its stick or twist. Better the devil you know, or gamble on the tried and untested. All I think is that we are in a shocking mess, whoever is manager (coach really) needs to make the best of what we have got to avoid the kind of season we fear and can smell looming.

Whether that is a new stooge or the existing one, we seriously, seriously need to get our backsides into gear – else the end of season table is not going to make good reading.

Surely if a new man came in (not JFK) we could not do any worse?

What would you do? One thing is for sure, something is going to have to give.

However difficult, keep smiling.
HTL.

Fear and loathing – NUFC

Didn't think Wenger was a Kebab fan?

Didn’t think Wenger was a Kebab fan?

Oh dear. Its back- the fear and self loathing following a spineless performance.

Actually went into the game thinking we would get spanked, but thought that City would at least have to work hard for it.

We are lucky that the score-line was not doubled.

Our lucky opposition (I say lucky as they will not have an easier game all season), couldn’t believe what they were up against last night and it really was pipe and slippers time for their lot versus our bunch of sad sacks.

The news of the Kebab bid prior to kick off and his absence from the team-sheet, bench, bus or whatever was not good timing – but frankly has got bot all to do with last nights result.

Anyway, you reap what you sew. Fat Ash’s only strategy over the last few years has been bidding for and unsettling players with bids way below their market value. I would call it Karma, quite honestly we are the ultimate urine takers when it comes to this sort of behaviour, only its not been on our doorstep so you hear less of the fall out (Lyons gob-sh!te owner asides).

Either way such a bid should not put the skids under a team – just a pure excuse from both the management and the players for a performance that in my eyes was as bad as Liverpool, and even worse than Sunderland.

The City players (although all excellent) had a stroll through this game with ZERO competition. The team they faced looked clueless, disinterested, disorganised, disjointed, discombobulated – or any other bleeding diss’es you can think of.

The City eleven of old and new recruits laughed and back slapped their way past our mob as if it was a friendly. A friendly that resembled a game played between a crack Premiership side and a team that looked like recovering crack addicts.

The gulf was embarrassing. Look, I expected a bit of a shoeing – honestly who didn’t? But to roll over and have their little tummies tickled sent my bile into nuclear melt down.

The team on the field reflect a manger – it was a pretty terrible reflection. Unfortunately the team on the pitch also reflects the owner’s ambitions. The complete lack of it that is.

The tactics though were infuriatingly Pardew at his worst. Two right footers on the left, a left footer on the right. Playing players out of form and fitness – and more annoyingly out of position.

Cisse was so isolated it was pointless playing the ball to him. Buying more strikers is not going to solve how we are playing.

The movement and passing from Tiote in particular was once again shocking. But worse for me was the back line (Timmy Krul aside). Taylor and Colo were about 6 yards apart in the box, then had Debuchy and Mapou practically hugging the touchlines leaving holes so big in the back line you could have slid the QE2 sideways through them. Open invitations for lively forwards like Aguero, but open season when they are so big that a big target-man like Dzeko was spinning in and causing havoc.

And what about Debuchy – all the patter flying about regards the new French lads, saying that they will be better for last season and settled? Debuchy looks like a walking penalty, red card, missed tackle, weak link.

But I don’t want to just single him out as others were just as guilty. Mapou looked bang up for an early shower – though not as early as our very own Steven Taylor, who’s stupidity sometimes knows no bounds. Great lad, whole hearted, empty headed.

Then there is Coloccini. Now I am a big fan of FC, but I am from the old school of believing a Captain can have an influence on a game and the players around him, not just by playing well – but by communication and body language. The communication was non existent and the body language displayed showed an absolute disbelief that we were not there for anything else than make up the numbers.

So having had our trousers pulled down and been spanked live on National TV, leaving us after one game at the foot of the table, players injured, players suspended – we might as well have not turned up at all. A terrible night.

I am sorry for our fans who sang their hearts out again.

We are up against it already. But the pressure has been applied from within. The blame lies firmly at Mike Ashley’s door, closely followed by Pardew. Yes, he is not getting backed – but it is up to him to motivate and put that team on the pitch regardless of how threadbare and put in a performance.

Alan Pardew said before the game that his team were “more than ready to face City”. He also said that we gave a good account of ourselves in the game.

All I can say to that is you really are having a laugh.

The only way is up. Keep smiling.

HTL.

THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF JFK – NUFC

Lord Lucan has given more quotes than Fat Mike in the last 6 years

Lord Lucan has given more quotes than Fat Mike in the last 6 years

No offence to all the good boys and girls out there, who have the excellent taste in The Mag and it’s very fan-site – but enough is enough.

Needless to say we all love the Toon, we all want to see the club doing well… But FFS this constant bickering about negative /positive articles being posted is getting right on my tit end.

Is it just me? The problem is the utter, utter madhouse that is NUFC has turned everyone into stark raving lunatics.

The fans have literally been battered into submission by Lard Arse McTubbs (Mike Ashley), that we are turning against each other in tit for tat petty arguments. Reason being? Nowt else to do but do the stories to death!

The same garbage player transfer tittle-tattle has been rehashed into so many various guises you could fill 18 volumes of the sodding Encyclopaedia Britanica with chapter and verse on  (non signings) Darren Bent and Batty Gomis. Obviously one of the Saga’s was ended in Warwick Remy. I call him Warwick as I have heard that his middle name is Hunt.

Conspiracy theories are now being drafted as regards the movements behind the scenes at Newcastle. So much so that Oliver Stone (Director of our DoFs first Movie role JFK) is rumoured to be interested in filming the Hollywood adaptation.

However, the whole thing would need to be shot in super slow-motion to pick up the movements of our rabble rouser management – currently invisible to the naked eye.

Not sure how entertaining it would be watching Mr.Kinnear in the broom cupboard playing solitaire with his feet and crayons up his nose.

Or indeed seeing Mike Ashley playing hide and seek with our PL funds. He has been hidden so long, the Guinness book of records are striving to locate him to tell him of his latest global record – hot on the heels of the worlds longest vow of silence.

Mike, at this exact minute could well be found in the foot-hills of the Tora Bora mountains or riding bare back on Shergar with Lord Lucan for all we know. Carlos the Jackal, has given more quotes to SSN than old Ash.

That’s why left in the dark, the natives are going stir crazy. Myself included.

The realists – or negative gang are convinced that MA is here to destroy us, taking every penny he can , selling everyone and signing no-one. Hang on, that’s what he is doing!

Whilst the blind faith brigade, expect everyone to sing “Always look on the bright side of life” as the club hierarchy smash in another nail through our hands fixing us to our collective black and white crucifixes! Keep smiling and take it for the team – it will get better.

People will argue that the reality is probably somewhere in the middle, but facts are facts.

We have signed naff all (barring the Merc) and sold a few. We are not stronger in any stretch of the imagination, regardless of what twaddle you might read.

Personally – I firmly believe that Mike Ashley is unfit to run our club, as is his DoF, and to a certain extent our manager. So what do we expect?

The decisions made historically do not fill any right minded person with the faith that these buffoons will put right.

Until players are actually pitchside being photographed in their Wonga top with a grinning Pards by their side – bank on nowt.

COME ON UNITED! FFS!

HTL.

The summer is Tragic – NUFC

Hello you 'orrible c*nt, is that Domino's?

Hello you ‘orrible c*nt, is that Domino’s?

As you read this, Newcastle United have just about finished their pre-season preparations.

Testing our mettle against the Elite…

The mightiest teams on the planet….

Smashing all in their path!

Well I say mightiest, they were probably the only clubs who answered Joe Kinnear on his Fisher Price telephone when originally ordering pizza.

Pre season a chance to bed in the new players, targeted months ago – blending old with new to evolve and right the wrongs of last season. Giving the fans some excitement and lifting the eggy stench left lingering from the 16th place finish and playing shite.

Unfortunately not in the world of NUFC, not Mike Ashley’s NUFC anyway.

New players? Pah! Who needs them?

Sarcasm I know, shocking . The lowest form of wit they say – but how low will we all be forced to go as the shambles that is NUFC blunders its way towards a new season?

Learning the lessons of windows and seasons gone by? Nope, don’t be daft. We continue to play silly buggers in the transfer market – resulting in lone “loan” striker limping through the door as reinforcement – despite several transfer sagas.

This close season has been so littered with gaffes and blunders (all off the pitch and totally avoidable) – it has raised more questions as to what the chuffing hell is going on behind closed doors.

Unfortunately without having the pleasure of conferring over a crystal ball with Gypsy Rose Lee at the Hoppings this summer – I cannot tell you, nobody can. We are left in the dark, clutching at straws – yet again.

Sadly our short armed, deep pocketed billionaire owner is a mute and his recently appointed mouth piece is a demented fuckwit who has just escaped from the Island of Dr. Moreau. An unspeakable place where he had unholy experiments carried out upon his person, leaving him as a half man – half baboon – with Tourettes.

This is not breaking news, the doubt surrounding the podgy profiteer and his cohorts have never left – merely postponed following an unexpected peak (finishing 5th) amidst a catalogue of troughs.

We don’t ask for much do we?  I mean, bloody hell, we still support the club which is on the biggest barren run of any other top flight club when it comes to domestic success.

What is domestic success? Christ knows. In fact it’s that long since we won owt, big JC himself probably was in the stands witnessing the feat first hand!

After all we take some perverted pleasure in singing “We’re gonna win f*ck all again, we’re gonna win f*ck all – WE STILL FOLLOW UNITED”. Regardless of what is thrown our way, we are still here.

This summer though on the back of the last, is like the never ending story. It’s bloody torturous man. The never ending story part two – the revenge.

I am afraid to moan though, for fear of being tarred as the “glass half empty brigade” (GHEB) – well you know what?  Bollocks to that, if the truth hurts – TOUGH.

I got a great response the other day when I mentioned glass half empty debate, made me laugh anyway.  We were now the “glasses completely empty and then smashed over our own heads brigade!”

However following that pep talk, I am not writing this from A+E at Newcastle General Hospital (or wherever it is these days) receiving stitches on a self-inflicted head wound!

But I tell you, the Chubby Misers’ misdoings have got my head bursting and my heart spluttering – so it might not be long before I am heading on down there! I’m going there in a Geordie ambulance!

No doubt I would have to join a growing queue.  A long line of Geordies who’s heads have been battered into submission and spirit squashed.

There will always be blind faithful, and you know what – fair play to them. Ignorance must be bliss.

It just shows that medication can work! These blind faithful types are probably the same ones who after watching a cheap hypnotist end up running around like a chicken every time the doorbell rings.

Maybe the way ahead is for Mike and JFK to offer a Match-day lobotomy experience with a side order of Mogadon tablets free with every pint, so we can all sit grinning in our Wonga tops with drool dripping from our chins and plopping onto our laps!

I am being harsh I know, loyalty and faith is to be applauded. However, loyalty and putting up with what we are being served by the club currently are two different matters.

For crying out loud! Are the demands we are pinning on the club unreasonable? Well quite frankly – NO.

We are not demanding that the owner puts himself and the club into financial jeopardy. Far from it!

We are not daft, though I think that this is the general consensus at the club. It must be.

All we want is to see the club moving forward, spending the budget (guaranteed to all top flight clubs) on players to improve a squad that lacks depth to compete.

There is being Financially Stable and there is being Financially Stationary. We have just come to a grinding halt. Money is eagerly being fed into the SJP letter box from Premier League HQ, but the brown envelope doesn’t even hit the door-matt before being whipped away to be kept in a very, very safe place. Also known as the Bank of Cashley.

To add insult to injury, not only are we speeding through the transfer window like slugs in treacle boots, but we are still faced with uncertainty surrounding popular first teamers in Cabaye and Cisse. Hopefully Cisse puts his Wonga woes behind him and comes out firing this season – like we know (hope) he can. We need him. Cabaye may end up having Man Utd have a right good sniff if they fail with all their current targets. Let’s see where we are when the window “slams” shut.

Both are getting a bit of stick currently from some quarters, you can say all you like about the pair, but I don’t think we can afford to lose either. In fact I don’t think we can afford to lose anymore unless suitably replaced. Well Obertan maybe!

We have already seen the squad dip in numbers, quality reinforcements are most urgently required.

It’s not bleeding rocket science. It’s the old leaky bucket adage – you are always going to lose some, you just got to keep topping it up. Always been the same, it’s never changed regardless of money. Players come and players go.

But before I push myself into a medical episode that cannot be reversed I thought I would sway to a slightly different angle.

Things are not as we would like, but looking at our opponents first up Man City – they just go to show why you just never know what is around the corner. ‘Citeh’ have had even more ups and downs than us over the last twenty years (and that’s saying something) – double relegations, multiple managerial changes, dubious foreign ownership – the works.

The blues of Manchester in that time have had to put up with their nearest rivals winning everything available and rubbing their noses in it. Imagine we had the Mackems doing what Man Ure did?

Sorry, I have just been sick in my mouth!

At least whilst we have failed, we could always laugh at the SMBs down the road.

Now even those goons are giving it the big belly laughs at us – as Di Canio races around Italy with Dale Winton in his own version of Supermercato sweep.

What they are hoying in their trolley may turn out to be utter plop, time will tell. I don’t want to give those mugs any praise But at least they are trying to improve on last season.

As for the Toon v City, like us, City fans have stuck by the club and their faith paid up in full when they hit the Jackpot in Sheik Mansour. Pretty much overnight they have gone from being a good club, like ourselves – a peoples club and starved of success, to being a powerhouse and assembling a squad of footballers to die for.

I don’t begrudge City their windfall or League and Cup success either, unlike Chelsea who I dislike immensely. I just would love this incredible thing to happen to our club. Judging by our luck though, it just never will. Imagine it did though…

Mind you, the likes of City and all their star studded performers are not who we need to worrying about currently, its Norwich, Southampton, West Ham, Stoke, Hull and dare I say it … Nah, couldn’t do it.

So, cork your bums – we are climbing back on board the rollercoaster you cannot get off.

Where it goes nobody knows.

Support the team – not the regime.

HTL

If you were the boss – NUFC

THE GAFFER

THE GAFFER

How hard can it be to be a football manager these days? Everybody from the stand thinks that they can do a better job, or at least politely offer their opinion and advice when required!

I include myself in this, even though I’ve  got no FA badges, never trained as a coach, nor a ref, never played to a professional or even a semi professional standard, not even moonlighted as a referee on a 5-aside. Nor even studied as a forensic business accountant, which a few fans seem to specialise in nowadays!

This profile would probably fit the majority of the fans of most clubs, so I thought it would be interesting to have a crack at assembling a team based on how YOU would manage the club.

Yes, I know there is Football manager, Fantasy football league and all that malarkey but this is just a little fun and hopefully cause a bit of debate – asides from the debate that is dragging everybody down.

It will give me a rest from carrying my sandwich board around Gallowgate. All this shouting “The end is nigh” and “Beware the Fat man” has left me a little hoarse and my shoulders terribly chafed.

Such has my focus been on what I see as the abuse and maltreatment of our club,  I have felt like the preachers you see standing on a street corner shouting like a nutter to anyone who will listen.

So, with a fair wind and the sun in the sky let’s dream of better times.

Disregarding my complete unsuitability for the post of manager of Newcastle United and my CV reading like the Beano written by a chimp with crayons – I have landed my dream role (after all these small matters didn’t hinder JFK did they!).

Putting aside the obvious outcry at my appointment I sit down at my Desk at little Benton – staring at a blank piece of paper looking for inspiration.

If only I could track down my old school work book’s from the early 90’s. Or tactics text books if you will. Written in the boring lessons at school, myself and a small dedicated junior management team would sit and work out every single possible connotation or formation that we could fashion from the current squad and any recently linked players.

Christmas trees, diamond midfields, 3 up top, 3 at the back – you name it, it was done to death.

However, the only inspiration I would honestly take would be from a certain Kevin Keegan. People might say am stuck in the 90’s and need to get over it. Unfortunately, in mind, body and spirit I am actually still there!

The obvious thing whilst sat at that desk would be how to replicate that team that rose from the brink of relegation to the third tier, to within a whisker of making history and deservedly grabbing the Premier League crown. I know we didn’t win it, but we should have and without wanting to depress myself or anybody else, we will not remind ourselves just now.

The miseries out there (and there are a few) will say Keegan blew it, bottled it, tactically inept and all the other nonsense that shrouded his management career. My response to that is – you have not got a clue. You either were not there, not old enough to remember or have suffered some kind of brain trauma!

Those teams that played under Keegan were the pinnacle, not only blowing opposition apart with constant wave after wave of attacking football – but they worked their socks off – and without wishing to sound controversial – a core of Englishmen!

Pride in the shirt and a synchronicity with the fans. The players after wins, out on the lash mixing with the fans (remember Julies Night club?)  the city was buzzing. Keegan was my idol, and he epitomised everything that was good about the club. He loved us – we adored him.

Sir Bobby was awesome and his passion and class were embodied in his teams. That forward line of Shearer, Bellamy, Robert, Solano, Dyer and Speed would stand up against any team.

Still though, and without hesitation, Keegan provides me with my management model.

Can this good vibe be resurrected from the Ashes of destruction?

Well lets pretend we have an owner who fancies actually having a dip in the transfer market and that I (you) can spend some loot. Nothing stupid though and the books have to be balanced. One hundred million should do it!

Keegan really had two teams (successful). The First Division champions and first year back up, then the team that nearly won it – that is the template for my teams design. See below.

PAVEL

BARTON/WATSON

HOWEY/PEACOCK

ALBERT

BERESFORD

BATTY

LEE

GILLESPIE

GINOLA

BEARDSLEY

FERDINAND

This line up is practically pornography to those who can remember the way we played!

A breakdown of the template wanted.

Two attacking full backs willing to overlap, weigh in with goals, but have the legs to track back and tackle hard.

One silky centre half as gifted on the ball as anyone has ever seen at SJP, and who also weighed in with goals (no, not Peacock!). Another CB with solidity and a willing to stay back.

A holding midfield enforcer, who not only could break up play and intimidate the opposition, but who could play football and spray it around. The other a box to box goal-scoring midfield sensation bought from a relegated top flight team for buttons.

Two out and out wingers, both very different, both devastating.

One with pace to burn and could use space behind full backs to run into and whip in crosses (Barcelona anybody? Yes I know that was Dog Leash for the anoraks) the other a player who could turn both inside and out, beating players and supplying both goals and great quality into the box.

Then a striker who would cover every blade of grass in the number ten role, or the Messi role in Pedro. What words can describe Pedro or those dancing feet? Legend.

Then a centre forward who was direct, unbeatable in the air and the  ball stuck to him like a magnet – only interested in laying off and getting back between the chalk marks in the 18 yard box, waiting for the inevitable chance that would come his way.

Now is this the impossible task to recreate?

Krul would keep his place.

Right back I would bring in Micah Richards (£12m)

Coloccini would stay at centre back

As a partner to Colo, I would bring in a rock of a centre half (£8m) for Ashley Williams

Left back it has to be Leighton Baines (£15m) utter class

Right wing Aaron Lennon from Spurs (£8m)

Left wing, HBA is moved across into the Ginola role.

Midfield enforcer, ball player Sissoko lands this role (Cant keep spending!)

Box to box player is “super” Frank Lampard (old I know, but could have been landed on a free for a season or two) still got it.

How do you replace Pedro? The only person can think of with the work rate and quality is a certain Wayne Rooney (cool £35m) – though still not fit to lace the great mans boots!

Sir Les gives way to to an underrated strong Forward  – Dzeko (£15m)

So that is £93 million spent. Holy hell! Not so easy as it sounds? But not a bad team.

KRUL

RICHARDS

COLOCCINI

WILLIAMS

BAINES

SISSOKO

LAMPARD

LENNON

BEN ARFA

ROONEY

DZEKO

Now the inevitable trimming begins…. But I will not bore you with that!

If you were in the hot seat and had the owners backing – how would you play and who would you bring in/keep?