The summer is Tragic – NUFC

Hello you 'orrible c*nt, is that Domino's?

Hello you ‘orrible c*nt, is that Domino’s?

As you read this, Newcastle United have just about finished their pre-season preparations.

Testing our mettle against the Elite…

The mightiest teams on the planet….

Smashing all in their path!

Well I say mightiest, they were probably the only clubs who answered Joe Kinnear on his Fisher Price telephone when originally ordering pizza.

Pre season a chance to bed in the new players, targeted months ago – blending old with new to evolve and right the wrongs of last season. Giving the fans some excitement and lifting the eggy stench left lingering from the 16th place finish and playing shite.

Unfortunately not in the world of NUFC, not Mike Ashley’s NUFC anyway.

New players? Pah! Who needs them?

Sarcasm I know, shocking . The lowest form of wit they say – but how low will we all be forced to go as the shambles that is NUFC blunders its way towards a new season?

Learning the lessons of windows and seasons gone by? Nope, don’t be daft. We continue to play silly buggers in the transfer market – resulting in lone “loan” striker limping through the door as reinforcement – despite several transfer sagas.

This close season has been so littered with gaffes and blunders (all off the pitch and totally avoidable) – it has raised more questions as to what the chuffing hell is going on behind closed doors.

Unfortunately without having the pleasure of conferring over a crystal ball with Gypsy Rose Lee at the Hoppings this summer – I cannot tell you, nobody can. We are left in the dark, clutching at straws – yet again.

Sadly our short armed, deep pocketed billionaire owner is a mute and his recently appointed mouth piece is a demented fuckwit who has just escaped from the Island of Dr. Moreau. An unspeakable place where he had unholy experiments carried out upon his person, leaving him as a half man – half baboon – with Tourettes.

This is not breaking news, the doubt surrounding the podgy profiteer and his cohorts have never left – merely postponed following an unexpected peak (finishing 5th) amidst a catalogue of troughs.

We don’t ask for much do we?  I mean, bloody hell, we still support the club which is on the biggest barren run of any other top flight club when it comes to domestic success.

What is domestic success? Christ knows. In fact it’s that long since we won owt, big JC himself probably was in the stands witnessing the feat first hand!

After all we take some perverted pleasure in singing “We’re gonna win f*ck all again, we’re gonna win f*ck all – WE STILL FOLLOW UNITED”. Regardless of what is thrown our way, we are still here.

This summer though on the back of the last, is like the never ending story. It’s bloody torturous man. The never ending story part two – the revenge.

I am afraid to moan though, for fear of being tarred as the “glass half empty brigade” (GHEB) – well you know what?  Bollocks to that, if the truth hurts – TOUGH.

I got a great response the other day when I mentioned glass half empty debate, made me laugh anyway.  We were now the “glasses completely empty and then smashed over our own heads brigade!”

However following that pep talk, I am not writing this from A+E at Newcastle General Hospital (or wherever it is these days) receiving stitches on a self-inflicted head wound!

But I tell you, the Chubby Misers’ misdoings have got my head bursting and my heart spluttering – so it might not be long before I am heading on down there! I’m going there in a Geordie ambulance!

No doubt I would have to join a growing queue.  A long line of Geordies who’s heads have been battered into submission and spirit squashed.

There will always be blind faithful, and you know what – fair play to them. Ignorance must be bliss.

It just shows that medication can work! These blind faithful types are probably the same ones who after watching a cheap hypnotist end up running around like a chicken every time the doorbell rings.

Maybe the way ahead is for Mike and JFK to offer a Match-day lobotomy experience with a side order of Mogadon tablets free with every pint, so we can all sit grinning in our Wonga tops with drool dripping from our chins and plopping onto our laps!

I am being harsh I know, loyalty and faith is to be applauded. However, loyalty and putting up with what we are being served by the club currently are two different matters.

For crying out loud! Are the demands we are pinning on the club unreasonable? Well quite frankly – NO.

We are not demanding that the owner puts himself and the club into financial jeopardy. Far from it!

We are not daft, though I think that this is the general consensus at the club. It must be.

All we want is to see the club moving forward, spending the budget (guaranteed to all top flight clubs) on players to improve a squad that lacks depth to compete.

There is being Financially Stable and there is being Financially Stationary. We have just come to a grinding halt. Money is eagerly being fed into the SJP letter box from Premier League HQ, but the brown envelope doesn’t even hit the door-matt before being whipped away to be kept in a very, very safe place. Also known as the Bank of Cashley.

To add insult to injury, not only are we speeding through the transfer window like slugs in treacle boots, but we are still faced with uncertainty surrounding popular first teamers in Cabaye and Cisse. Hopefully Cisse puts his Wonga woes behind him and comes out firing this season – like we know (hope) he can. We need him. Cabaye may end up having Man Utd have a right good sniff if they fail with all their current targets. Let’s see where we are when the window “slams” shut.

Both are getting a bit of stick currently from some quarters, you can say all you like about the pair, but I don’t think we can afford to lose either. In fact I don’t think we can afford to lose anymore unless suitably replaced. Well Obertan maybe!

We have already seen the squad dip in numbers, quality reinforcements are most urgently required.

It’s not bleeding rocket science. It’s the old leaky bucket adage – you are always going to lose some, you just got to keep topping it up. Always been the same, it’s never changed regardless of money. Players come and players go.

But before I push myself into a medical episode that cannot be reversed I thought I would sway to a slightly different angle.

Things are not as we would like, but looking at our opponents first up Man City – they just go to show why you just never know what is around the corner. ‘Citeh’ have had even more ups and downs than us over the last twenty years (and that’s saying something) – double relegations, multiple managerial changes, dubious foreign ownership – the works.

The blues of Manchester in that time have had to put up with their nearest rivals winning everything available and rubbing their noses in it. Imagine we had the Mackems doing what Man Ure did?

Sorry, I have just been sick in my mouth!

At least whilst we have failed, we could always laugh at the SMBs down the road.

Now even those goons are giving it the big belly laughs at us – as Di Canio races around Italy with Dale Winton in his own version of Supermercato sweep.

What they are hoying in their trolley may turn out to be utter plop, time will tell. I don’t want to give those mugs any praise But at least they are trying to improve on last season.

As for the Toon v City, like us, City fans have stuck by the club and their faith paid up in full when they hit the Jackpot in Sheik Mansour. Pretty much overnight they have gone from being a good club, like ourselves – a peoples club and starved of success, to being a powerhouse and assembling a squad of footballers to die for.

I don’t begrudge City their windfall or League and Cup success either, unlike Chelsea who I dislike immensely. I just would love this incredible thing to happen to our club. Judging by our luck though, it just never will. Imagine it did though…

Mind you, the likes of City and all their star studded performers are not who we need to worrying about currently, its Norwich, Southampton, West Ham, Stoke, Hull and dare I say it … Nah, couldn’t do it.

So, cork your bums – we are climbing back on board the rollercoaster you cannot get off.

Where it goes nobody knows.

Support the team – not the regime.



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