New Year – New Cheer – Newcastle United



Ahhhhh, a new year, a fresh start and a new beginning.  *Deep breath, *cough, *nearly puke.

Back to business for most of us poor unfortunates this week – marvellous isn’t it? *Actually puked.

With flat batteries supposedly recharged we ready the creaking limbs for the off like a coiled spring launching into 2016… Well something like that. I personally have the energy of an overly-boiled sprout after spending a fortnight of necking sherry shots with auld Aunty Doris and drip feeding stilton cheese into my vein.

Newcastle United faces the very same task this week. Getting back to business will be tough for the lads after a pretty miserable and miserly festive period.  The three nil ones were on the back of a couple of promising results and performances and this makes it even worse.

No jokes about turkeys or getting stuffed here however – it’s just not funny. But in truth it’s not just been a bad Xmas patch has it? It has been an absolutely diabolical 2015. Our very own black and white “Annus Horribilis”.

Christ if that was a patch; it would be visible from the International Space Station.

Numerous unwanted records of nefarious notoriety have been “achieved” in the last three hundred and sixty five and a quarter days. Records that we don’t really need to mention again now, and that we do not want to see repeated.

There is only one thing that can be done – and that is not to look at what has happened in the past, but look at what can be done to save our sorry backsides from the inevitable.

This team needs some momentum, some direction and above all some digits in the sodding goals for column!

Fat Mike, Carr and Penfold can do something about this when it comes to recruitment. More to follow.

Shteeeeve can do something about player selection. *Square pegs and round holes, fade and repeat.

The transfer window has “swung open” (careful you don’t jump out) and will “slam” shut in around 4 weeks time (mind your fingers). Everything is being done in “private” and “behind closed doors” according to our forever paddling (up sssshit creek) boss man.

Whether it’s in private or held as part of a Radio 1 foam party in Leazes lake – I give one toss not, as long as they are planning on actually doing some business. There are some positives to be had from the squad (Ayoze, Gini, Mbemba – I did say some) – but as it stands we are in serious danger of being relegated for yet another Coca Cola League tour.

The alarm bells must be going off inside St James Park, but looking at Charnley, when he hears them he will probably line up outside in the car-park with the cleaners at the Fire Alarm drill muster point waiting for the dinner ladies to let him back in.

Some of the names we have been linked with truly make me scratch my head. More non-scoring attacking misfits from wherever-land in the Gouffran mould with dubious injury records – just what we need eh?

Let us see what develops over the coming days, but I would be hoping for some real experience and above all quality. Don’t hold your breath for either! The last time we signed anyone from a PL team was wor Jackie Colback from the unwashed; and before that I think it was Nolan.

The rotund one is looking to change the club badge – don’t know the Latin translation but it could read underneath – “Young, foreign and cheap”.

This is harsh I know, as we have played ok in some of the recent defeats, but the margins are so tight now after the early season capitulations that the shit has got real.

One thing for certain is we need goals, where we get a quality striker from in this window is going to be difficult. I still think Austin (if fit) would be worth a plunge as his record (whatever league he is in) is pretty damned good. He should be available, unlike others we chased for entire windows and end up getting gazumped at the death. (Gomis and Remy the first time anyone?)

The major problem is now attracting players to the club bearing in mind the possibility of relegation. Would Austin want to jump aboard an all expenses paid Luxury cruise on the Titanic with the rest of us?

We should still have pulling power, but time after time when we go head to head with seemingly lesser clubs (such as the power houses that are Southampton, West Ham, Stoke and even Palace) we are likely to come up short – in wages, transfer valuations, bids and geographical attraction.

It is an ever decreasing circle that has been self perpetuated by the clubs transfer policy. The lack of ambition and massive underachievement over recent seasons has put our hierarchy begging bowl to the back of the queue.

Every day we will be linked with some new magical mystery mercenary from the Mongolian second Division with a scoring record of 1 in 10 – but hey, they might be a bargain and make Mike another £2m for the money mattress!

I would be interested to know who you would like to bring in with experience. Where would you start and stop? A striker, winger, central midfielder, left back and Centre half are necessary in my eyes.

Hopefully by the time Sky sports’ Jim White is freed from his dungeon underneath the Studio and is wheeled out frothing at the mouth like a knackered washing machine on deadline day that OUR club might have delivered some seasonal good news…?

Time will tell.




Cups – who needs Cups? Not NUFC

A break from the weekends fixtures has left me with time to contemplate. Sitting, stewing, brewing and boiling. A deep uncomfortable burning in the pit of the bread basket – it must be the Mackems again.

Not the derby, but something far more worrysome and depressing.

Sunderland to win a cup? Sends a shudder down my spine, like a bus full of Mackems just danced on my grave.
By the power of Greyskull – NOOOOOO!

Chances are that it will not happen when they come face to face with the best team in the country in Man City – but at least they have the chance.

It’ll be 11 against 11 and a day at the new Wembley for the unwashed to crow about.

NUFC don’t seem interested in the slightest in any cup success, or even a crack at the cups. Sorry that’s wrong, NUFC are NOT interested.

When it comes to the cups we have two hopes, no not the League and FA Cup… Bob Hope and No Hope. As the saying goes, Bob Hope is deed – along with our dreams. As for challenging in the Premier League, probably never going to come is it?

I use the word dream as that’s what I think footy and above all being a fan is all about – dreaming. Dreaming about such things as reaching Wembley, and the ‘what if’s’. No more ‘what if’s’ for us unfortunately.

For the fans this is gut wrenching as we want to win something don’t we? Aye? If you don’t then there is something wrong with you! Football is meant to be an escape from the grim realities of life, for passion and excitement. Not for politics, finances and all the other modern day bullshit.

Recall the promotion scenes following the open top through the town when Keegan took us up in 93? Remember standing at Civic Centre whilst the speeches rang out? Pure joy and pride.

Imagine we won something of note now, the carnage! I would have to take the week off work to recover!

Fair play to the SMB’s, they have given the competition a good crack against some top teams and managed to scrape their backsides into the final via the worst penalty shootout ever witnessed.

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles would not have looked out of place stepping forward and having a bash!

Newcastle United by their own admission have no ambition for cup success. So all this is not news, nor a shock – it’s already out there. It’s all about the Premier League these days. We keep hearing the same old cobblers that we can concentrate on the league with no cup ‘distractions’.

Our club with it’s proud and rich history, with a tradition and love of cup football woven into the core of the black and white shirt – no longer wishes to partake. Disgrace. Jackie Milburn, Joe Harvey et al – shed blood, sweat and tears for that last and longed for domestic joy. Feats that will be talked about forever more. Not sure that will be the case regards Fat Mikes tenure are you?

We also keep having the garbage about Wigan and Birmingham thrown at us – well they won a cup and went down. Blah, blah and more blah. Oh I see, the Cups are cursed? You win a cup and get relegated do you? Someone better get onto Mourinho or Pellegrini and tip them off of their possible impending fate!

Birmingham and Wigan won cups and went down, yes that is a fact. But they went down because they were not good enough to stay in the league, NOT because of the cup exploits.

If we want to put ourselves in the same bracket as those two clubs – then God help us all.

The good thing about Wigan winning the FA cup last year is that hopefully it has put a shed load of fire in the belly of Citeh players to right some wrongs against the great travelling deluded. I watched the FA cup final last year on Gossy high street, a particularly messy affair for my birthday and had Tevez first scorer 4-0 before the match. City were crap, froze on the day. Another inspirational bet! Surely lightning can’t strike twice?

Will there be a time when we get a run in one of the Cups under Ashley? Maybe – just divn’t hold your breath.
All I know is that I would rather the lads had been going to Bolton, rather than them topping up their tans in the Middle East.

I am certain the players would agree with me, surely they want to win things too. Medals in hand, tales to tell the grand kids. They are not going to sit the bairn’s on their knees with a packet of Werther’s originals and tell them the tale about the time they comfortably finished 9th in the League are they?

As for us, well for me anyway – I want to have memories to take with me when I am gone. Some of my best ever days following Newcastle were in the Cups. Wembley way in 98 was just insane. Even the journey down was fantastic – “We’re all going to Wembley – you’re all going to Legends” banging on the windows as we left the Toon the evening before. High on life and cheap lager.

Old Trafford against Spurs the following year in the FA Cup semi-final remains my favourite ever away game and atmosphere yet. These times will live with me forever more.

We have had our chances to win cups and not so much blown them – but ended up against the best team in the country at the time or even Europe. Playing unwanted roles in doubles and trebles.

Might the Mackems be part of a first ever quadruple? Who knows, time will tell.

All I know is that if the Mackems went and did the unthinkable (almost spewed), I would be more bothered by the uncomfortable truth of our own clubs ‘ambition deficiency’ rather than sickness induced of that mob scooping a prize.

Look at the celubrious list of Cup winners over the years since we had a sniff, makes for bad reading.

Come on United – winning cups is hard enough even when you give it everything, never mind going at it half-cocked. Under this regime and with our current mentality – we are guaranteed that we will never, ever win or even get close to challenging ever again.

How does that float your boat? Just if the club and regime are content to spread the gospel of ‘mediocrity is success’ – doesn’t mean we need to accept it.

Not interested in our history or making history

Not interested in our history or making history

Keep smiling


Will we be joining the Dark side come Sunday night?

Will we be joining the Dark side come Sunday night?

Before Man City walk out on the pitch against the lads Sunday Dinner time – they might as well play the Imperial March that is piped out on Star Wars when Darth Vader enters the screen. The event has me feeling a smidgen of impending doom!

We have all been pleasantly surprised by the relevant success of the first half of the season. Some on here even talked of Champions League and Title successes! Taxi for one please!

Sadly after all the back slapping and blowing smoke up each-others hoops following the four on the bounce love in, we are on the brink of repeating that feat – only in bleeding reverse!

Previously I have tagged this team as the most consistently inconsistent team known to man. One minute playing like the 70’s Brazil team (is it the shirts?) the next minute playing like Accrington Stanley. (Accrington Stanley – who are dey? Show your age if you remember that advert!)

With each win, Pardew would be seen grinning on the sidelines like a newly bespectacled Cheshire cat on prescription drugs. Flying high on Black and White fever. The fans and SJP rocking, overseeing some landmark wins and performances.

Maybe, just maybe beginning to come back around to the idea that AP might under his restricted circumstances be doing a decent job, harking back to the 5th season as reference. The last season dusted over… But for every Man Utd, there has been a Sunderland. For every Chelsea there has been a Hull. For every Tottenham a West Brom. So on and so forth.

The Grand old Duke of York he had 10,000 men – he marched them up to the top of the hill, and he marched them down again. Uncle Alan has had us up near the top of the league, and to be fair we are still floating healthily, but let’s not march down again.

Pardews tactics rarely get questioned when we win – why would they? But they have been questioned the whole of last season, the beginning of this and the recent slump has brought all those doubts flooding back.

Negative tactics against a misfiring Arsenal probably cost us a possible win, never mind a draw. I can understand why he went for it, the same system as playing Man Utd – but that was away from home.

If we play the same way against Man City there will be only one outcome. If we cannot keep their backline and midfield on the back foot for spells of the game, and they are on the march forward throughout – their fantastic front 6 will demolish us.

There is every possibility that even if we go toe to toe and give it a good go that the same result could happen – but I would much prefer to see us go at them. City although absolutely class throughout have had some wobbles away from home – but in our last few meetings, we have been tanned. The first match of the season at their gaff was a debacle.

After that drubbing I feared the worst for the season, but the lads bit by bit have gained some momentum. Man City have slaughtered most teams this season, smashing 6 and 7’s a plenty – they play with such freedom and expression, they really are amazing to watch. They remind me now of the way we used to play back in the 90’s under Keegan.

Never-the-less we offered nowt that Monday night back in August, not that Taylor helped like. Will he be brought back in, with Mapou posted to right back to cover from Jean Claude Debuchy? Huge gamble.

Aguero is back training – what great news eh? The City fans must be in dream world. I know the whole City spending is obscene – but if you were them, would you give a flying fig? Why not likely. It’s all about that team creating lifelong memories. Winning Leagues, challenging for every competition you enter, battering all those before you.

One day Newcastle United – oh yes, that will be us. One day. Probably the day after my death!

In the meantime, here is hoping come Sunday afternoon that we are all back on the up after the team giving it everything they have got.

If not – on we go to face the great Hippo Head himself – El Gourdo – Fat Sam. If there ever is a game in the calendar apart from the Mackems that I want to win, it’s against that bear sized bluff merchant.

Keep smiling.

NUFC – Seasons greetings!

We wish you a 'Sherry Christmas'!

We wish you a ‘Sherry Christmas’!

As we draw to the close of yet another Topsy Turvy year supporting Newcastle United, can we make any sense of what has passed, or indeed predict what is on the horizon?

Pffft, why not likely! Topsy Turvy by name and Topsy Turvy by nature. Although comparing the goings on at SJP to the famous children’s story and character seems a bit daft, it’s not any more flipping daft than the truth itself!
So grab the Christmas sherry, stick on a paper hat and swig your way through the whole festive period knowing that you have no idea what is coming!

They say ignorance is bliss! Well enough of the Bristol cream and it’ll be “who knows, who cares?!”

In one million attempts to come up with a script for the season, not many will have scribbled the tale as it has unfolded so far. Positive displays on the field, but more over – players who had been written off as goners, rising from the dead to take leading roles.

Aye, topsy turvy all right. Nobody would have complained if the carthorse labelled pairing of Shola and Big Mike had been sent to the knackers yard. Not S*nderl*nd, but the place where they boil down old nags into pedigree chum, super glue and supermarket lasagne’s – allegedly.

Instead of the dreaded trip to the abattoir the pair have not only escaped the executioners axe but also appear to have been transformed into two of the greatest players ever seen!

Big Ammer’s is playing like a man possessed, come to think of it – so is Mike. Shola on current form is reminiscent of the original Ronaldo on steroids, alas without the goals. Or even should I say goal? You know what to ask for Christmas Shola!? Willo has been heading and kicking everything like his life depends on it, good old fashioned hack, head, hoof. Hey it’s all about the mix!

Perhaps they have sold their souls to the devil? Already on his pay role, there is always that possibility! To be honest I couldn’t give a toss if they have joined the occult and bite the heads off bats as part of their pre match routine – as long as they keep sticking shifts in. Shola has been around since we were formed in 1892, so it is about time he hit a bit of form! Couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo bless him, but he has started trapping that ball and finding his fellow players thus far, something which eluded him over the years. He has been a good foil for Warwick Remy.

I don’t subscribe to the current national love in mind, and the MoM awards have sometimes been a little hasty, but the big fella has played well – so hands up – fair play lad. Keep it up.

Uncle Pards has played himself and his team back into contention after an absolutely disastrous 12 months that saw him dangling from Premier League Managers Job rock by wedging his newly veneered pearly whites into a crevice. He had to use his teeth as our very own Jolly fat man at the helm has ensured his hands have been tied behind his back from the outset.

Will he release those shackles as part of festive cheer and allow him some money to splash in the Christmas sales? Pffft, probably not. Too much common sense.

The season started pretty shitty. But confidence and performance levels have grown by the week. The formerly struggling playing staff have somehow mustered up some form that eluded the same motley crew last year. Maybe it’s the holy grail of playing your way into the World Cup? Maybe it’s the whole not in Europe chestnut? Maybe it’s another year settled and gelling? Maybe it’s the top ten only Brucie Bonus waving from the distance and relative safety of Mikes vault?

Maybe, just maybe whilst we have a bit of form we could speculate to accumulate and improve the squad again – push for a strong finish? Hmmm, maybe I have cracked this sherry open too early!

Whilst the team has pacified most with 3 point hauls a plenty, I still have the uneasy feeling of the club having zero direction or clue.

Are we going to wake up suddenly from peaceful sleep like Indiana Jones and side-kick Short-Round in the Temple of Doom, to find out that there is nobody flying the plane and its heading for a mountain side? NO MORE PARACHUTES! That could just be me! You might not get the reference or the analogy, but I feel the club is rudderless. The hierarchy ruddy-useless.

Let us see if Ash and JFK can restore some faith. After all nothing is ever terminal, just look at Sholes and Willo – even Pardew. Football is fickle, so much of the brown and sticky stuff has flown about that you would think it impossible for them to sway the public opinion in their favour – apart from the few resident mentalists who are already flying the regime flag. Not so. They could easily swing opinion, if Ash pushes the boat out and gives his henchman a decent budget, and good old Joe manages to drag some big hitters over the line – who knows?

I tell you what, this second bottle of Sherry has definitely gone to my head now!

Whats next? Obertan for the Ballon D’or? Whey aye!!

Far more likely seeing Gabby falling out the Balloon Door (pub), Silver Lonnen!

We support the famous black and whites – it’s either one or the other on the pitch – great or grim. Probably the way it will always be.

For seeing us win 4 on the spin and in reasonably good nick, including winning at the ‘Theatre of Screams’ for the first time in 41 years (let us hope it’s not 2054 before we are cheering once more!) – we could just as easily watch us slip to losing four on the bounce, having already fallen to the worst team in the league (SMB’s anybody?).

More up and down than a woman of the nights peek-a-boo drawers.

After last year we just need to keep counting those points up to 40, after that let’s see what happens?

Predictions for the New Year? It’ll be cold. That’s about as much as you can guarantee! After that I have one Christmas wish to make – although it’s probably bad luck to say it, don’t want to hex it.

Will give you a clue. It rhymes with ‘Hackems to be delegated’ please Santa.

Enjoy the festive period and all everything the Toon throws at you.

Eat, drink, be merry and above all – keep smiling!

NUFC – Time is right to gobble up the Canaries

Time to gobble the Canaries

Time to gobble the Canaries

Some managers are big fat bluff merchants, morning Big Sam! Gone are the old school. Preparation for matches now includes all sorts of weird and wonderful things – water aerobics, Indian head massage, trampoline physio, ice baths – faith healers, good morning Eileen. Apparently all are hugely important these days when it comes to getting our Premier League Footballers onto the pitch!

What is the pinnacle of importance to me is an old fashioned little triangle that was taught in school.
Motivation, Desire, Win your battle. Easy eh?

Easy when you play a team that you know are better than you, Chelsea, Spurs, Man U or whoever. Not so easy when the shoe is on the other foot, the underdogs being the opponents and their hunger and desire to beat you so much greater.

So it has proved over the months that this Newcastle team consistently fail against teams with less talent but who show more fight. Which is hugely frustrating to all and sundry, beating teams we think we will lose against, building up a bit of hope, then falling flat on their faces with some home banana skins.

If Newcastle turn up today thinking it will be a walk in the Park then we will come a croppa once more, or it will be a horrendously squeaky bum filled encounter of the too close kind.

Last season when we took on the Canaries, we started well and HBA was our inspiration. Chances are he will not start this game. After setting up the first half goal which in the end gave us a one – nil win, we then conspired to give Papiss the chance of taking a penalty which Hatem should have taken himself right before half time – only to see poor old PDC launch a scud missile into orbit. Drought not ended, third world war nearly started when the ball landed in the Kremlin.

That gesture of “oh it’s only Norwich” saw us then clinging on for the rest of the game. Would that have happened against one of the top 6? Don’t think so, sentiment should not come in at any time. Okay when Johnny B was given the penalty against Barnsley in the 6-0 rout at SJP under Keegan was a great moment. But there are times and places.

On form Newcastle win this game. On form we keep a clean sheet and score two goals. On form Remy probably scores both. One key common denominator “on form”. As quickly as the Toon find form, they lose it. Many have spoken about the Jekyll and Hyde flip mode personalities. To be fair, we have not seen the bad side for a while. Let’s hope it is not today.

The French mob hopefully will be flying high on life after beating Ukraine the other night, that could be a good thing for us.

Let’s hope that Pardew picks the right team, tactics and has those lads fired up and raring to get those three points on offer today. If so, Norwich are there for the taking. If not it will be back to reality with another bloody typical Newcastle line fluff.

After more Colo revelations that he wants off, is it time to cut our losses and sell, make some money and bring somebody in who wants to be here? With the suspension to Debuchy however, I think he will start today, with Yanga moving across to right back. Big Vurn could do a job there, but think up against someone like Snodgrass (who think is a smashing player by the way) I would want someone with pace and power to stand up to him, so Yanga should get the nod.

Heres hoping to a great day of sport, 3 points for the Toon then the boxing tonight Froch v Groves. Its what Saturdays were made for. Shame about the cricket.

Keep smiling. HTL

NUFC – It’s the thought that counts

Beggars Can't be choosers? Ashley's NUFC choose to be beggars

Beggars Can’t be choosers? Ashley’s NUFC choose to be beggars

With a weekend filled with no Newcastle or Premier League matches due to International fixtures, the void must be filled with something to deliberate on. The papers switch tactics to the usual London biased bollocks surrounding England and poor old Royston Hodgson – the National teams very own rock and roll manager (wock n woll?) and indeed closet Rolling Stone.

Due to the lack of focus on Roy (no Svenis and his Swedish swinging antics to delve into anymore!) and relative non interest in the games these days, the focus turns to the impending silly season…

Ho-ho-ho! Bloody Ha-ha-ha more like.

For those who have the 7 second memory span of a goldfish, suffered recent head injuries or were born within the last 6 months – may I remind all you good folk not to believe a sliver of what you read!

The torturous and daily never ending guff served up surrounding the summer transfer window just did everyone’s heads in.

This winter and through the next few weeks, the finest tripe will currently being harvested as we speak. Scraped from the bottoms of barrels nationwide, jotted down from the backs of fag packets in boozers and traced from the graffiti on the back of public latrines – they will be hitting your newspaper soon! Hot off the press! Steaming hot turd more like, a Yule-tide log of double bollocks.

But, being the addicts to NUFC we all are, we will read every eggy-stenched word and know in our heads that it’s all probably rubbish – but what if? I think we can pretty much discount the ‘what if’s’ these days.

What I would say is that, bank on anybody being sold at any point – particularly deadline day bids of which the club just couldn’t turn down. Poor old Newcastle just cannot compete anymore with the big boys like Spurs, Southampton, Everton. That’s right aye?

What you can also rule out is any big-money transfers. By any, I do mean none. And by big money, I mean everything over one English pence. With the success of Warwick Remy arriving for Buck Shee (I know there is a loan fee involved), then this is now going to be the route of choice for Fat man Scoop and the JFK clan.

Why pay when you can get players for nowt? In fact, if he plays his cards right the parent club might even pay a portion of the wages. Genius. Now if he can only get the machine patented which filters the urine from the gigantic holding tank under the stadium from the millions of match-day pisses and brews it into Ale, to be sold as match-day fayre – he’s laughing. Some might say the prototype to that machine is already up and running!

So when you read exclusive stories of Newcastle interested in 30 year old Yugolsav players arriving for 10m Euros, bids of 5m here for Internationals, if the Gomis story rears his head again (free in the summer) then put the paper down, finish your ablutions and wipe your backside on it and flush hard. Check the pan to make sure it’s gone, then repeat if necessary. The selling club are far more likely to receive a fax of JFK’s wrinkly rump than receive a written bid.

The headlines are being filled with reports of loans for Zaha from Man Utd. The transfer only makes sense for one team – Man Utd. We will become one of the clubs like West Brom (with Lukaku last season), Bolton (with Wilshere a couple of years back) happy to be a nursery club for the big hitters. That is if we have not already assumed this mantle. The best of a bunch of desperados clamouring at the Champions League clubs table for a few crumbs.

Having said that, if it doesn’t make sense for NUFC to go the loan route, then bet your bottom dollar we will be conker’s deep into it.

Worst thing is, if clubs are willing to continue the Premier to Premier loan system – the rich teams will continue to collect players and build squads like I did with Pannini stickers in Primary school – and that really is the main problem.

Personally I don’t believe you should allow loans to teams in the same league. The bairn’s can go out on loan to Championship and below for experience – fine. The rest, if they are good enough to get in the team they will get in. If not, the bench, if not the bench – the squad etc. If the player is not happy, then they put in a transfer request and leave. That’s the way it used to work.

Last winter the panic button was pressed as we were looking like relegation candidates, which released the codes for the Ashley Vault aboard his nuclear submarine. Now that we are fair to middling and on the back of a couple of hard fought victories the chances of that sanction happening again are slim.

If by some Miracle of Miracles that Ashley is visited by three Ghosts – who persuade him to change the errors of his miserly ways – then I will be the first to applaud any signings. But for the sake of my own and indeed my families Christmas – I won’t hold my breath!

To be fair to the playing staff the lads are doing well, but if anything that is the perfect time to make additions. Let us see how it pans out, but the signs are there for all to see.

Keep smiling.

Tainted love – NUFC

I'm Mike Ashley, yes I'm the real Ashley. All you other Mike Ashley's are just imitating.

I’m Mike Ashley, yes I’m the real Ashley. All you other Mike Ashley’s are just imitating.

There have been a lot of comparisons drawn between ourselves and our next opponents Tottenham Hotspur over the past few days. Bloody depressing stuff, we all know that the place is being pillaged by Fat Arse the Pirate – but when you see the evidence in Black and White it has left me shaking my head so hard I am putting a claim in for whip-lash.

We have no divine right to be bigger or better than any club, and most definitely do not have delusions of grandeur – but we have the right to be the best we possibly can be. Thanks to Moby Dick, we are now cheap skates, also-rans, bargain bin sniffers, Premier League paupers. Grateful for whatever scraps we are thrown from the Captains table. Whilst our opponents shop at Harrods, we are picking up out of date stock from Lidl.

Spurs have a Chairman who has had his knockers over the years, keeping a tight rein on spending – but he has transformed the club into major players. Making them the best they possibly can be. Spot the difference?

They too have lost their best players when bigger clubs have come knocking, but they haven’t just banked the loot and fished for cheap replacements, they have looked to strengthen and build with quality. Fair play to them, they have got a really good squad now. But it’s not just on the pitch, commercially they have rocketed past us. The obvious fact is that you have to speculate to accumulate. Spurs by their actions and ambition have made them a partner that people want to be associated with. Business, corporate and fans are willing to pay a Premium to see their team. Newcastle on the other hand are tainted by cheapness, dirtied by Sports Direct and Wonga. You get what you pay for.

If we shared the same ambition, the sky would be the limit. But we don’t have the same ambition, nor ever will as long as Butterbean is at the helm. We have zero ambition. Christ on a bike, the club admitted as such in the Fans’ Forum – no cups for us please! Unbelievable! Why does 1969 even get mentioned, 40 odd years of hurt quite obviously means nowt to the clubs owner and bean counters. If we are not interested in competing in two of the three competitions we enter and say so publicly – then by the power of Greyskull, why bother? If truth be told we are not interested in competing in the three competitions we enter. Ashley is quite happy to merely participate whilst the sound of the turnstiles click and the zero’s on his account swell.

Things will not change under this man. People will point to actions on the pitch, the Chelsea performance was the best we have played all season – I say that performances and results are in spite of the regime and not as a consequence. No victory should give them any validity.

He knows how he is running the club, but obviously doesn’t want any criticism of it. His pathetic banning of the local scribes is akin to a spoiled brat sulking with fingers in ears, shouting “la-la-la-la” when being told off. The abolition of the Fans Forum after one meeting is just unreal. The brat wanted to play football, but has taken the ball home after conceding a goal. Ah diddums little boy.

People have the right to protest, demonstrate, dare I say it – have an opinion?! The papers have a right to print accurate reports covering these things. After all it is a free country, but not in the Republic of Ashley, which has its own rule of censorship that would have the Taliban twisting their tits in complaint.

Honestly our Non-Glorious leader is ensuring that behind the walls of his palace, that he endures no negative criticism whilst he lounges on his thrown like Jabba the Hutt. In all honesty I thought that the local papers have been incredibly soft on the goings on at NUFC over the last few years. For obvious reasons they wanted their relationship intact. Maybe this will now sharpen their focus? But will their efforts and indeed the efforts of fans’ demonstrations fall on deaf ears? You bet. And thus the problem of the ever decreasing circle that is Newcastle United under Ashley.

If this seems to you like an unjust tirade, then we are never going to agree. Can he turn this around? Absolutely, but it would mean him having to do a complete about turn when it comes to the day to day running of the club. The chances of that are about as likely as us winning a cup! Ouch!

Back to the game. I am actually looking forward to this – which normally means one thing… disappointment! Spurs are doing well, if not ripping up trees. They are very tight at the back, which is very un-Spurs like and shy in front of goal – even more un-Spurs like. The fear is should we concede first we will do well to get anything from the game, such has been the strength of their defence. I have lost count as to how many clean sheets they have kept. Should we score first though, who knows? In fact the way we have played this season we are as likely to lose 3 nil as win 3 nil. The bookies must hate our lot.

Last week as previously mentioned was a great performance, well second half anyway. If we play like that we will do alright, if not then we won’t. Simples.

Here is hoping that in spite of it all, the team do us proud two weeks on the bounce. After all they have still got a lot of making up to do after the SMB’s.

Keep smiling.